NBA Playoff Predictions: 2. Miami Heat vs. 7. New York Knicks

By: Kels Dayton

Here at Roundball Daily.com, we are basketball experts. We feel like we already know what’s going to happen in the 2012 playoffs, so it’s cool if you just want to chill out, take a nap, and not watch them. We’ve got you covered. Just read each of our series predictions, and then sit back and watch. But don’t bet on them.

 

GAME 1: New York 99, Miami 95- The Knicks stun the Heat in Game 1 behind a virtuoso performance from Carmelo Anthony, and lock-down defense by the frontcourt. Anthony goes for 43 points on 43 percent shooting, and Tyson Chandler shuts Chris Bosh down like he failed emissions. LBJ is the only bright spot for Miami, as Dwyane Wade scores just 14 points and proves that he’s not quite 100 percent.

GAME 2: Miami 100, New York 90- LeBron comes back with a vengeance, going for a ridiculous 39, 13 and 11 in a statement performance. The Heat pull away in an overpowering third-quarter, and Dwyane Wade responds from his subpar Game 1 performance by putting his drawers in Baron Davis’ face as he fiercely dunks over him. Davis answers by racing angrily full-speed halfheartedly up the court, turning the ball over, getting dunked on, and repeating thusly. This happens for 3-4 minutes before Mike Woodson calls timeout, sits Davis down, lovingly pulls a blanket over him and tells him to take a nap. Baron obliges.

GAME 3: New York 99, Miami 93- Patrick Ewing and Alonzo Mourning are honored before the game, and the two engage in the ceremonial “opening tip”. Ewing wins the jump, which ignites the sellout Garden crowd and subsequently, the Knicks players. Good J.R. Smith shows up today, leaving Bad J.R. at the hotel to manage the Twitter account. Good J.R. drains six threes, achieves a plus-14 rating, and kills Miami with two 29-foot bombs in the fourth quarter. Steve Novak gets into the act, draining two fourth-quarter threes of his own and prompting Walt ‘Clyde’ Frazier to run out onto the court, snatch the P.A. announcer mic, and begin maniacally screaming, “NOVAKAINE!!!!!!” to the sellout Garden crowd. Frazier then peppers the crowd with boxes of Just for Men and closes by shouting, “Novakaine is DRILLIN’, his landscape is THRILLIN!!!!” shortly before he is tackled by Madison Square Garden security.

GAME 4: Miami 113, New York 89- Ewing and Mourning are brought back again for the opening tip, which causes former Knicks enforcer Charles Oakley to feel DISRESPECTED that he was not given such recognition for the second straight game. Oakley charges onto the court to confront the two, at which point Knicks legends John Starks and Allan Houston head out after him. Ewing tries to calm Oakley down, but the big Oak is disconsolate. Mourning offers to give up his spot, and Oakley appears to be touched by this gesture. The five men hug it out, and Oakley stands in the circle, awaiting the tip. He leans back to stretch, winks at Ewing, and then nails Mourning in the head with a Metta World Peace elbow, sending the 7-footer to the floor.

Believing Mourning flopped, enraged ABC commentator Jeff Van Gundy leaps over the broadcast table and races out onto the court, his microphone still attached to his vest. Van Gundy begins shouting at Mourning and referencing Vlade Divac in an annoying diatribe, which is still inexplicably being broadcast by ABC. Mourning comes to and charges after Oakley. Enraged that he isn’t listening to him, the 4-foot-9 Van Gundy runs towards Mourning, but trips over his microphone cord and latches on to the big man’s leg. Van Gundy clings on for dear life as the players go at it, throwing haymakers and shouting mean things about each others’ mothers. The players are finally whisked away by a team of 47 security guards, but Van Gundy, still believing he is in danger, refuses to let go of Mourning’s leg. He is dragged off the floor by Mourning, who tries to coax him off of his leg by reading him Dr. Seuss stories and referring to him as “little buddy.”

Demoralized by the pregame events, the Knicks come out flat. Miami is used to such ridiculousness and laughs their way to a 113-89 win.

GAME 5: New York 57, Miami 49- It’s 6:35 p.m. on game day, and Van Gundy is still clinging to Alonzo Mourning’s leg like a Tanzanian deer tick. NBA commissioner David Stern was set to suspend Van Gundy for 5,317 games, but after making a personal visit to Mourning’s house, decided that the little fella didn’t really mean it. Stern gives Van Gundy an ice cream cone and then promises that if he lets go of Mourning’s leg, he will be allowed to coach the Knicks in Game 5. Delighted, Van Gundy jumps off of of Mourning’s leg, wipes the tears and chocolate sauce from his face, and shouts “Let’s go!!”.

Pat Riley, upset that the series is tied at 2 and that the Heat only won by 24 in Game 4, fires Erik Spoelstra, and returns to the bench. (Spoelstra explains the move by saying that he is leaving voluntarily, and that he wants to spend more time with his hair gel). With the two 90’s coaches returning to the bench, the game turns uglier than . The Knicks’ defense is impenetrable, as Iman Shumpert comes up with 7 steals and seals the game with a pilfer of LeBron with 1:13 to go. The Knicks take an improbable 3-2 series lead.

GAME 6: Miami 93, New York 73- Things return to normal as LeBron posts his second triple-double of the series, going for 26, 13 and 12. Wade scores 30, and the Heat crush the Knicks to stay alive in the series.

GAME 7: New York 113, Miami 112- It’s 45 minutes before game time. Deep within the walls of the Miami locker room, LeBron is throwing up in the bathroom. Dwyane Wade has just changed out of his pink shirt and nerd glasses, and Chris Bosh has just finished his customary pregame episode of the Teletubbies. Across the hall in the New York locker room, Jeff Van Gundy has returned to give a rousing pre-game speech about pick and rolls, or flopping, or something. No one really listens to it, and Van Gundy leaves crying. As the teams take the floor in Game 7, an electricity emanates from the crowd of 3,500, almost as if it were a really big minor league baseball game.  Musician Jimmy Buffett is too caught up in the fervor, having started drinking since it turned 5 o’clock somewhere. He calls referee Bob Delaney a son of a sailor after a first-quarter foul call and is immediately ejected from the arena.

Carmelo goes point-for-point with LeBron, and the Knicks’ advantage inside proves to be huge. With 23 seconds left and the game tied at 110, LeBron jab-steps Carmelo, drives to the hoop and—dribbles the ball off of his foot. Wade picks it up and puts it in to give the Heat a 112-110 advantage with 11 ticks to go.

The Knicks inbound the ball and race up the court, only to stand there as Anthony dribbles around for 9 seconds. Carmelo pulls up from the right wing, rises, fires and….BANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGG!!!, as ABC’s Mike Breen describes it. Knicks win.

Spike Lee is released from the hospital three days later.